In Disney’s The Frog Princess, Mama Odee sings about “digging a little deeper” to find out who you are and what you need. And in Barbara Stanny’s book Sacred Success, we dig deeper to find the root of what’s holding us back-anger at ourselves, and feelings of unworthiness.
I have been working on a project that I call “My Perfect Life.” It is an effort spawned from a number of sources; it started as a project I read about on The Greater Good Science Center’s website, grew and evolved during the week of phone interviews that comprised the live portion of Belinda Rosenblum’s Money and Success Masterclass, and culminated in the idea of recording it read out loud by me with specific music played in the background during the reading.
Formulating this “Perfect Life” vision has been an emotionally charged process for me. I’ve dug up some pretty deep-seated patterns in my life, and this is where things got uncomfortable the other night.
I’ve been reading Sacred Success for a week or so now, and since I checked it out from the library, I’ve transcribed some of the homework to work on later. I’ll eventually get the book, but checking it out from the library means I actually have to pick it up and read it right away, and it doesn’t just become another shelf-improvement book that I spent precious money energy on. One of the early homework assignments that she sends her reader off to do is to write an angry letter to yourself. Yes, you get to express anger at yourself! This might sound counter-intuitive, but in the context of the reading prior to the assignment, you learn that there are a lot of beliefs that we hold tight to, programmed into our little subconscious minds very early in life. Some are so deep-seated that we don’t even realize we believe these things!
During my night-time meditation the night after I’d read that, I was upset about some perceived slight someone had committed against me. In a blinding moment of conscious clarity, I realized that I was creating the reality in which someone could do that to me; I caught myself playing the “People always _______ to me.” Even more eye-popping, I went a little deeper, and asked myself what tape was playing beneath that one. What did I believe that allowed me to keep repeating this pattern of letting people treat me this way? Not surprisingly, I uncovered the old phrases that I’d heard growing up: “No one could ever love you just for you,” and “There is absolutely nothing about you that anyone would want to love you for.”
Okay, I’ll be honest here: Yes, I had a very angry moment that people could say those things to a kid of just 10, 12, 17 years old, but the anger didn’t stop with them. I got angry at me for still believing this crap 30 years later! I got angry at myself for allowing those tapes to still be playing all these years later. And I cried. Then I cried a little more. My husband came in, worried that I was having another breakdown, and all I could do was ask him to hold me--I couldn’t articulate what was hurting so badly. But through all the tears, I was able to come to an understanding with myself: I don’t have to keep playing those tapes. In fact, I can compassionately love myself through that anger, and consciously write new tapes and a new reality. That’s where I’m at right now: Consciously loving myself enough to write a new reality for myself and my family. After all, doesn’t my own 10 year old deserve to see that everyone deserves to love themselves, love others, and be loved in return just for who they are?
How about you? What old tapes are you playing that you can rewrite? Feel free to share below; be kind and courageous to yourself and others, supporting each other’s journeys down this road. It’s a tough track to run, and we’re all fighting a hard battle.
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