Dig a Little Deeper, Part 2

In Disney’s The Frog Princess, Mama Odee sings about “digging a little deeper” to find out who you are and what you need. And in Barbara Stanny’s book Sacred Success, we dig deeper to find the root of what’s holding us back-anger at ourselves, and feelings of unworthiness.

I have been working on a project that I call “My Perfect Life.” It is an effort spawned from a number of sources; it started as a project I read about on The Greater Good Science Center’s website, grew and evolved during the week of phone interviews that comprised the live portion of Belinda Rosenblum’s Money and Success Masterclass, and culminated in the idea of recording it read out loud by me with specific music played in the background during the reading.

Formulating this “Perfect Life” vision has been an emotionally charged process for me. I’ve dug up some pretty deep-seated patterns in my life, and this is where things got uncomfortable the other night.

I’ve been reading Sacred Success for a week or so now, and since I checked it out from the library, I’ve transcribed some of the homework to work on later. I’ll eventually get the book, but checking it out from the library means I actually have to pick it up and read it right away, and it doesn’t just become another shelf-improvement book that I spent precious money energy on. One of the early homework assignments that she sends her reader off to do is to write an angry letter to yourself. Yes, you get to express anger at yourself! This might sound counter-intuitive, but in the context of the reading prior to the assignment, you learn that there are a lot of beliefs that we hold tight to, programmed into our little subconscious minds very early in life. Some are so deep-seated that we don’t even realize we believe these things!

During my night-time meditation the night after I’d read that, I was upset about some perceived slight someone had committed against me. In a blinding moment of conscious clarity, I realized that I was creating the reality in which someone could do that to me; I caught myself playing the “People always _______ to me.” Even more eye-popping, I went a little deeper, and asked myself what tape was playing beneath that one. What did I believe that allowed me to keep repeating this pattern of letting people treat me this way? Not surprisingly, I uncovered the old phrases that I’d heard growing up: “No one could ever love you just for you,” and “There is absolutely nothing about you that anyone would want to love you for.”

Okay, I’ll be honest here: Yes, I had a very angry moment that people could say those things to a kid of just 10, 12, 17 years old, but the anger didn’t stop with them. I got angry at me for still believing this crap 30 years later! I got angry at myself for allowing those tapes to still be playing all these years later. And I cried. Then I cried a little more. My husband came in, worried that I was having another breakdown, and all I could do was ask him to hold me--I couldn’t articulate what was hurting so badly. But through all the tears, I was able to come to an understanding with myself: I don’t have to keep playing those tapes. In fact, I can compassionately love myself through that anger, and consciously write new tapes and a new reality. That’s where I’m at right now: Consciously loving myself enough to write a new reality for myself and my family. After all, doesn’t my own 10 year old deserve to see that everyone deserves to love themselves, love others, and be loved in return just for who they are?

How about you? What old tapes are you playing that you can rewrite? Feel free to share below; be kind and courageous to yourself and others, supporting each other’s journeys down this road. It’s a tough track to run, and we’re all fighting a hard battle.

Dig a Little Deeper, Part 1

The Disney movie “The Frog Princess” has a song (a rather catchy little tune, in fact) about finding out what you really need, based on who you really are. It continues on to stress that what we think we need or want is really just driven or fueled by external pressures and what other people think we should be, do, or have. In the case of Disney’s characters, the girl thought she wanted a grand restaurant because that was what she and her father had always talked about (she’d talked it up so much with her dad-about his dream, that she never stopped to think what she wanted; in the process, she skipped living because she was so busy working to get someone else’s dream); the prince believed he just needed more money and a wealthy bride so he could spend his life being a playboy and having fun (which had been his reality until Mom and Dad cut him off financially).

I don’t know about you, but I wasted (yes, wasted) much of the first half of my working life chasing someone else’s vision for my life. I’d heard for so long I needed to be (fill in the blank) to be “productive” or “successful” that I believed, wholeheartedly, that this was the only way I could possibly live! Whenever I stated that I wanted to be something else, a missionary, a teacher, a nurse, a mother (stay-at-home, work at home, focused on being Mom kind of mom.. not just having kids), the response from those around me was an unequivocal “You can’t do that because it won’t make you rich,” or “No one will take you seriously,” or most damaging of all “Ladies don’t do that!”

Don’t get me wrong; I was great at whatever I did. I was a nursing assistant for a few years until my body simply said, “No more, idjit!” I kept coming back to that, actually, because there was something deep inside me that really wanted to help people heal, or at least have dignity in their lowest moments in life or in their death. But the pay was lousy, and I quickly realized that the laws governing medical staff grated on me. In fact, I started to really feel like they were counter-productive to actual healing, though I could never really put my finger on how they were counter-productive to healing.

I have been a receptionist, a bill collector, an insurance collector for a large medical facility, a legal secretary, a billing clerk, an accounting clerk, an associate pastor and a student (I’ve tried going back to school a few times, and just… it didn’t work, but more on that later). Ever job I ever did, I did so well that I ended up doing more than my outlined job duties. My last boss called it the “10% other duties as assigned” (which, strangely enough, ended up making up more like 90% of my actual work time). When I look at my LinkedIn profile, I stop at the “Work Experience” block and just stare. How on Earth do I encompass all that I’ve done into a resume that makes any kind of sense and doesn’t give the overall impression that I’m shiftless and flighty?

That brings me to where I’m at today. I recently had the rather uncomfortable experience of realizing that my whole life has been defined by someone else. Near the end of 2015, I fell into a major depression. I’d already fought with depression, migraines, anxiety issues and Fibromyalgia on a daily basis for over 7 years, but now I was in bed 18 hours or more a day, and could barely function when I was up and out of bed. I was barely present for my homeschooling daughter. I was seriously unhappy but I couldn’t figure out why I was so miserable.

Now, for anyone who’s never experienced Major Depressive Disorder, it’s not just a temporary funk. Neither is it a case of someone being lazy. It’s a nasty imbalance of hormones in the brain and body and it’s a living hell for the person dealing with it, and for their family. For me, this particular depression episode was a wake up call for me. I’d been faced with some major life changes a few months before, and while they were doing some good, they weren’t enough, I had to do more; a lot more. I might have been in bed 18 - 20 hours a day, but I wasn’t sleeping much of that time. I lay numbly, tossing and turning in bed, walking mindfully through the desert landscape of my brain, trying to find the source of this particular unhappiness. I didn’t know who I was. I knew I wasn’t doing things I should be, but I had no idea what those things were, or how to find them. I didn’t know what I should be doing, but I knew I needed to do things differently.

So I got out of bed. I asked for help. I got my darling hubby to make sure I was out of bed at a certain time every morning. I’d still spend a lot of time staring at my computer screen, or journaling, but I started talking to my hubby. They were little conversations at first: “Hon, I’m really unhappy, but I don’t know why. I’m trying to figure it out.” These little conversations evolved into small steps that included time alone for me to have a spiritual practice, starting dance lessons with our daughter, and eventually, “Hon, I want to start a business as a healer.”

His responses have almost always been positive. He’s great that way--just wants me to be happy. But the hard work is on me: I have to be willing to dig deep, then dig deeper, and find what I really need and want to make my life all I want it to be.

I don’t want a 30 bedroom mansion on hundreds of acres. Nor do I want a homestead any longer. Luxury cars don’t excite me (except for a classic Corvette, which just hits me in the gut with oh-mah-gawd whenever I see one). Like the characters in Disney’s movie, I had to go through the fire and discover what I hold dear, what I value, to figure out what I really want and need. I am in the process of defining myself (once more) free of the influence of family and friends, well-meaning though they may be. Of course, redefining oneself leads to redefining success, too. What I need and what I want don’t look anything like I was raised to see success as. Being a healer, a teacher, a missionary...these things don’t look anything like the paradigms I was raised with.

How about you? What old views are you holding on to that aren’t really how you see the world? What parts of your life are you hanging on to that don’t truly make you happy?