What does it mean to be kind?
Kindness is simply a state of love, benevolence, affection or consideration without expectation of anything in return. We often comment about how kind someone is to animals or children, neither of which can really give us "favors" in return for the loving things we do for them.
Kindness comes from a place deep inside where we are secure within ourselves, our own skin. It's very difficult to act kindly toward anyone or anything (least of all ourselves) when our Ego is in full control, or we're coming from a place of fear or neglect.
Why should I be kind?
"But," you ask, "Why the heck should I be kind? Who has the time in our rat-race to stop and do something kind for anyone, let alone ourselves!"
You rather answered your own question, I think. Why should we take the time to be kind, compassionate or loving toward ourselves or anyone else for that matter?
Let's face it. We live in an extremely fast-paced, trample-others-to-get-ahead culture. In the rush to do it all, we kind of miss the whole point of life. We're here to connect; really connect with others. When you're too busy to slow down and connect, you miss the opportunity to be kind, or to receive kindness.
In our rush to get it all done, to get all the "shoulds" done before we finally drop, exhausted and hollow, onto our bed late at night, thoughts still racing through our heads before restless sleep claims us and we're at it again, we miss simple moments in our lives.
Because we were rushed, we took the barista's slowness personally, even though, if we'd taken a few breaths and looked around, we'd notice that her boss is criticizing every move she makes.
Because we were in a rush and thinking about something else, we got offended and angry at the driver who cut us off on the highway. We raised our own blood pressure, strained our heart and brain honking and screaming, and never took a moment to think that it was the off-ramp for the hospital, and perhaps that other driver is racing to be at the bedside of a loved one that might not make it through the night.
Because we were in a rush, we yelled at the kids to hurry up and get out the door, never noticing that our youngest is flushed and feverish, or that our middle child is having one of those clumsy days.
Because we were in a rush, we didn't take the few moments to feed our body a healthy breakfast with whole, natural food, and we just slammed down a super-sized, caffeine and sugar and fat laden latte, and then can't understand why we feel like crap come lunchtime (another super-sized latte anyone?).
What kindness is...
Kindness, at it's core, is unconditional love, expressed freely and without expectation of anything in return.
Kindness is taking a moment to step outside our own experience and extending understanding to another living being.
Kindness is understanding that no one is, or should be, alone in this world.
It is slowing down just enough at the cash register to smile at the clerk. It is stooping to help your middle child pick up the cereal that sloshed out of the bowl in their rush to please you. It is relaxing on the sofa with your dog or cat, and focusing on something other than your to-do list for 10 minutes.
Kindness is acting from your heart, not your ego, simply for the joy of helping someone else.
What kindness is not...
Kindness does not expect anything in return.
It's not selfish.
Kindness doesn't get offended if it is rejected.
Kindness is not the same as being a doormat.
Kindness isn't asking someone to do something dangerous.
Kindness isn't about making yourself look good.
"I'm doing this for your own good!" [shouted angrily]--Is not kindness.
Who deserves your kindness?
Honestly, I think the better question is: Who doesn't deserve your kindness?
Your kids certainly deserve your kindness. You are the model of adulthood, partnership and parenting for them.
Your pets certainly deserve your kindness. You have committed to take care of them and meet their needs. They offer you unconditional love and trust - be worthy of it!
Your coworkers deserve your kindness. You're all working at the same grind, with the same struggles and troublesome bosses. You spend a third of your waking life at that job, so you may as well make it as pleasant as you can.
Those who serve you deserve your kindness. Most of them make little more than minimum wage, and you'd be appalled at how many times they have to deal with extremely irritating, annoying and silly people who'd like to hang all the world's troubles on them, for no better reason than because they can.
You deserve kindness from yourself. You alone know your struggles, and how difficult every day is. You can try to express them to others, but really, that's just a faint reflection of your inner life that no one else really can understand fully.
You deserve kindness-from yourself and others.
That's right. I said it again. You deserve kindness, too. This isn't a one way street. And it starts at home. You have to start being kind to yourself. Stop taking on projects you know you don't have time or energy for. Stop filling your body with non-fuel "food" that just slogs you down and makes you feel like crap. Give yourself the grace of slowing down enough in the evening that your brain can understand "it's time to rest now," so you can sleep.
When you start being kind to yourself, you open up energy to be kind and understanding with others. Not to mention, people ultimately will be kind in return as you start to be more open and relaxed because you're taking care of you.
Sometimes it's easier than others.
Yeah... I know. Sometimes, being kind is a lot easier said than done.
Sometimes, the person that most needs your kindness is the person most difficult to be kind to: That boss that is always yelling at you and everyone else; that jerk that's weaving in and out of traffic like a drunken maniac (you know the one); the woman who's paying for her groceries in 10,000 coupons and it's taking. All. Day. Long. (and you just have a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread to pay for).
Look at these moments as practice. Moments that are teaching you those gentle lessons in reframing your perspective. An opportunity to put a smile on someone's face.
In my experience, I've been both the woman paying in coupons and the person with just the milk and bread. I can tell you that I did not enjoy making everyone else wait for me. In fact, it was extremely embarrassing to hold everyone up. However, it was a time in my life when we had almost no money to pay for groceries, and the options were limited. Having an understanding smile flashed back to my apologetic half-smile made it a little more bearable.
You don't know what battles the other person is facing, any more than they can possibly comprehend the struggles you face today.
Practice it anyway - Practice makes perfect after all.
So, here's your homework for this week. Start your day with the intent to be kind, just for today. If that feels like it's too much, set the intent to find just one person to whom you can show kindness, and see how it feels. Even if it didn't work that time, try it again tomorrow, and the next day. As it becomes easier, up the ante to two people, three people.. until it becomes a regular habit. Look over your life, assess your values and how you're spending your time, and find ways that you can be kinder to yourself.
Before you know it, you'll be a pro, and you'll find your world is just a little nicer to be in because of your efforts.
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