The Last Time I Cried & What I'm Looking Forward To - Day 28

Whoa... two topics that I either haven't written about, or that I can stand to write about again. How about that? Totally unexpected for this late in the series, but these two are intertwined for me at the moment, so here goes: 

I cried last night. 

Not a little, either. Last night, really hit me hard. I killed someone. Two people, actually, and it broke my heart to do it, even though I knew it was coming. 

Well, now that I have your attention, I suppose I should probably explain myself a little better. These two people? They only exist in my computer. They are, well were, characters in a book I'm writing. One was expected, she was old, and needed to die to make room for the things that push my protagonist to move forward toward her destiny. I expected her to die. I planned for her to die. And yet, it totally caught me off guard how deeply affected I was by her death. The second character that died was nameless, faceless, and she may get revived in the revision of the story. I wasn't happy with how that scene came out in the drafting, so who knows. That's the beauty of being a writer: You can make those changes. Usually. 

I've been trying to honor my commitment to writing for 1 hour a day. Every day.

I'm doing the NaNoWriMo challenge in November, and since I have two solid story ideas, I figured I'd use one to get into the habit of writing, and start finding what does and what does not work for me when it comes to writing. I'm reverse engineering this particular story; rather than developing the characters and setting and all that before drafting, I'm drafting the story, and going back and making notes about my main characters as I go. It's not easy work doing it this way, but I only have about 6 weeks left to get this drafted before my focus fully gets turned to the book I am writing for NaNo. That book is getting done in the "proper" way: I'm developing characters and settings and plots and archetypes before writing. 

Now, there's really no wrong way to write a book, I'm told, other than to not write the book that's in your head. Give yourself permission to write badly, just to get the idea down on paper. You can always go back and edit later. And you won't have anything to edit if you don't write in the first place.

So, this idea of writing badly, led to my tears last night. 

I spent 1 hour writing, probably looking a bit like a mad woman, pounding away at my keys, moving music into playlists as I went (I like to write to music, so I'm building playlists for the writing of both these books), and knocked out about 2,000 words in that 60 minutes. I have my work single spaced, so that comes out roughly to 5 pages of text. I think, just based on how I felt after writing it, that about half of that will get cut in the revision process. But I wrote. I honored my need to write, and did it.

Nothing sucks for a new writer nearly as much as spending an hour writing crap and killing off a loved character all in one night. I had to cry. I needed to purge the crappy feeling. I cried on my writing buddy's shoulder and gave myself permission to let it go. Tonight, I'll write again, and keep my protagonist moving towards her destiny. I'll work on my characters for the NaNo Book, and start shifting my focus just a bit towards their story.

Which brings me to what I'm looking forward to.

I'm looking forward to NaNo. I'm looking forward to write-ins with my buddy at her place in SecondLife. I'm looking forward to holding a finished manuscript in my hands; a story that I pulled out of my head and gave life to on paper.

That said, I'm also a little scared of it. My writing buddy and mentor, Allie McCormack, has encouraged me to submit my NaNo book for a competition that takes place in the months immediately after NaNo, which means getting that book revised, edited and ready for public consumption in just under 5 weeks (throw Christmas holidays in there, too, just for kicks and giggles). 

Her faith in me scares the hell out of me. My husband totally supports this idea. 

But Allie is right: It's motivation. If I commit to it, and pay to enter, then I have a really big reason to see it through. Even if I don't win, my book has been put out there, and that's not something I've ever done.

This whole year has been full of stuff I never thought I could actually do. I never thought I could get my craft business off the ground, and here I am, setting up an online store. 

I never thought I would find a good Reiki teacher that I could afford, and yet, today, I received my Reiki First Degree certification from my Reiki master/teacher, Elle North.

I never, ever thought I would see my dream of owning a bookstore materialize, and yet... Our online shop is open and doing business, with plans coming together for a physical store-front in the next 2 years.

I started this year out with a bunch of dreams that felt like a really far reach. And yet, here I am, standing near the end of the year with so much coming together that it drives me to tears sometimes. 

I don't think we would ever have been given the gift of dreaming, if our dreams were out of reach. So dream big, darling. Dream Big.

Oh, and if you are curious about this NaNoWriMo thing, check it out. If you're brave enough to write 50,000 words in a month, sign up, and grab me as your first writing buddy (JennBradshaw is my user name). If you're curious, but not sure you're ready this year, join me on my Sage Wolfsong Creations Facebook page, and let me know you want to be my cheerleader. I'd love to have you! If you happen to be in SecondLife, look up our NaNoWriMo Obsession group, and join us for write-ins, sharing, feedback and mutual cheering on. 

If you're enjoying this series, please hop over to Facebook and let me know! Or, you know, you could just drop a comment below. If you've missed any posts, you can skip back to the Intro and read from there.

Are you a blogger that's flailing for content and need a little break from your normal topics? Or perhaps you're just getting started, and would like to populate your blog with some great posts that help readers get to know you? Feel free to snag this challenge and run with it. Just... do so ethically, please. Cite your sources, And then, pop over to that Facebook page and let us all know you're doing the challenge so we can follow you, too!

Blog Challenge, Day 15 - My Average Day

Phew! We're almost halfway home on this journey, and today, the lists merge into one neat little topic. One list calls for "A Timeline of my Day" while the other calls for "My Average Day". I can roll these into one less confusing headline, so here we go!

.

I'm a writer, student and homeschooling mom with a few chronic health issues that can leave me sidelined for days if I'm not careful; therefore, I try to maintain a bit of a routine to keep me on my feet and not too worn out. Our day around here, looks something like this:

7 a.m. - hit the snooze on the alarm until...
7:15 - crawl out of bed, dress, wash up, put on my make up, stumble my way to the kitchen for a cup of tea
7:45 - read, sip tea, eat breakfast (currently, I'm reading "Women Who Run with the Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.
8:30 - Get daughter up and moving, check email, social media, to do list for the day
9:00 - start school, help with foreign language, grammar, creative writing, science and math while I write and/or do my own homework
12:00 p.m. - grab something for lunch, go for a quick walk to check the mailbox and library, swing by grocery store to pick up dinner if necessary.
2:00 - Hand off daughter's schooling to hubby, do my meditation and spiritual growth time - this is my time for doing my japa mala, work on my intuition course, and any other soul-related courses I'm working on. On a rough day, this becomes my nap time, and everything else gets adjusted accordingly.
4:00 - Writing time - Knock out a few pages of writing, blog post, content creation
5:00 - Make and eat dinner
6:00 - Creative time - This is either time to continue writing, crochet while we watch TV, or go on Second Life and do some building for the store there.
8:30 - Start to wind down. Have a cup of tea, read, play computer games, generally start to shut my brain down, if I can at all help it.
10 p.m. - Bedtime - clean up, crawl into bed, listen to music and maybe read until I fall asleep.

Lather.
Rinse.
Repeat.

Right now, I've got some deviations throughout the week for medical appointments, travel, and generally getting caught up on some projects that I'm working on. Otherwise, this is pretty much how I spend my day. Fun, huh?

Up next, My Dream Job and The Top of my Bucket List. And of course, if you'd like to use this blog challenge, go for it! I just ask that you credit your sources (like any wonderfully ethical blogger would do), and then hop over to my Facebook page to let us know that you're doing this too, so we can follow you! Want to read the whole series from the beginning? Hop on over here to start with the intro and read from there.

31 Day Blogger Challenge - Day 9 - Worst Habits and Piercings and Tattoos

Day 9 has arrived.

I will get through this challenge if it takes the rest of my life. 

Okay. So maybe I'm being slightly dramatic here. It just feels like it's taking my whole freaking life to get through this challenge. This summer has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, craziness and utter fatigue, but I'm pushing on. I need to write, need to honor my need to write and create. So here I am, faithfully sitting at my keyboard, tapping out my story, my medicine and dedicating a few minutes of my day to putting my story out there into the Universe.

Today was one of those Holy-Crap-Wow kind of days, as I work my way through Elle North's Wisdom Within School of Intuition, her 40 Day Journey with Saraswati course, and the opening of the Enter the Temple with Sora Surya No. After a morning of meditation, intuition work and visualization.. I desperately needed to get out for a walk and do a little grounding before I came back to work on writing for a bit, lest I end up very woo-woo and not making any sense.

Anyway, that's where I'm at mentally this afternoon, so let's get back to this slow building of a long description of the writer of this blog. Today, we're talking piercings, ink and my worst habits. Here goes some real truth telling:

Piercings and tattoos:

This part will be short. I have no ink (though I have it on my bucket list to eventually get some tattoos, I have them designed in my mind, but haven't had money or guts to sit for the work yet). I used to have my ears pierced; the normal single piercings in my earlobes, and when I was super-brave and 20, I got a cartilage piercing in the top of my left ear. That was a doomed piercing, as it quickly got infected, swollen, and my husband had to use pliers to get hold of the pieces of the piercing stud to pull them apart so we could remove the stud. It eventually healed over, but still bothers me from time to time, 20 years later. the single holes in my ear lobes have long since healed over, as well, as I'm terrible about remembering to wear jewelry. It's not really my thing, though I love my crystal necklaces and bracelets. Earrings? Not for me.

My worst habits:

Ah yes. Let me take a moment to put my inner critic in her corner, so that I can do this without completely destroying myself with judgments.

I'm a horrible grammar nazi. I have literally stopped reading news articles that were badly written. I will put down a book and quit reading it (a chore of epic proportions for me) if the author, editor, line editor and publisher couldn't be bothered to review the work for spelling and grammar. I pick apart my own work mercilessly, and pray that when I do publish something, I've caught all the errors. Sadly, I've taught this habit of carefully constructing sentences and paragraphs to my 11 year old daughter, who will, without hesitation, correct her dad's grammar.

I also have a tendency to feel a person more than listen to them. As an empath, I can feel what others are feeling and thinking, sometimes even pick up on the emotions they themselves aren't entirely aware of (which sucks when you know that someone isn't being honest with you, and they are smiling at you as they stretch the truth further and further, or you know that they really don't want to talk to you). This has left me in a very introverted, very withdrawn place in my life, because frankly, I'm pretty good company for myself, and I'm not left wondering what I did wrong when the other half of the conversation is obviously not interested in talking. I'm working on "bubbling" myself to block some of this information, but it's not always possible, or I simply forget to do so.

And then there's my terrible carb habit. My doctor would love for me to give up all flour, rice, oatmeal, potatoes, and corn. But let's be honest here: I love my bread. Maybe a little less than I used to. And I'm slowly letting it go. I've learned that I truly don't like potatoes, except in the occasional cup of clam chowder or baked potato soup. I can't stand rice. Corn is something else I can pass on, unless it's on the cob. Corn syrup is in practically everything, though.. and it's more exhausting than I have energy for to read every label sometimes. My doctor would love for me to live on salad and veggies with chicken once in a while, but that's not me. Not who I am. And I know. I've tried. Good grief, how I tried to eat that way. I felt really great for a while. But after a couple of months, I couldn't handle the cravings, and had zero energy. That was weird. I was eating about as healthy and ideal as you could ask for, and I felt like crap. So... I've let go. I've put some weight back on, but I love cooking and eating again. I make oatmeal cookies sometimes (I'll be making cookies with my daughter after I make dinner tonight), I have bread less and less often. I love having fruit smoothies in the mornings. And I have small salads. I have to be careful with the salad, as I'm on medicine for blood clots, and that doesn't play well with the leafy greens I love. I take my eating one day at a time, and feed my body what it needs and wants, when it needs and wants.


Bonus:

Because this has turned into a bit of a downer post, let me throw in something less negative for you:

I love to tell stories. I'm a storyteller. Perhaps that is my Swedish, Irish, Scottish heritage breaking through. But story is healing for me. Telling them, weaving them, creating them, hearing them, reading them... They are a link to other realms, other realities, the mind and thoughts of another human being or culture.

I'm working my way into a devotional practice of writing down the stories that live in my head. I love these characters, these stories that exist within me. And I think that they love me back. You might think that's odd, but I believe this: writers birth the stories and characters that come to them. They may be fictional, but they are still living, breathing, sentient beings. Ask any writer. Most will tell you that at some point in their writing career, at least one character has done something that surprised the writer; made a choice, performed some act, said something that the author never saw coming, didn't plan for.

Story is living, breathing, sentient.

It finds the creator that it needs to bring it into the world, like a cosmic mid-wife, and then wends its way through the world to find the listener or reader that it needs to speak to, in order to birth some other idea or creation.

And this is where I am at. Who I am. I am that cosmic midwife for the stories that have found me, and ask me to bring them into the world. What the Universe decides to do with the stories after they leave my hands is beyond my control. My job is simply to bring them into being.

Enjoying this series? Head over here to check out the whole list of posts. Feel free to grab the list and run away with it for your own blog challenge (just please be ethical, and cite where you found it!), then let me know you're doing it, so we can all enjoy learning about you, too.

31 Day Blog Challenge - Day 5

Yummy... Day 5 gives me two topics I like to write about...

My guilty pleasure is...

I have a lot of them, yet I oddly don't feel all that guilty about many of them. Perhaps the only one I really do feel guilty about is my love of cereal. My tastes change regularly, but I love sugary cereal, within limits, and could eat it several times a day.

No, I'm really not supposed to eat cereal at all, according to my doctor, but after she cut yet another group of foods out of my rapidly dwindling list of "okay" foods, I finally decided I'd had enough. Yes, I lost 50 pounds eating the way she wanted me to. However, when my short list got shortened even more, I made the brave decision to find joy in food again. Oddly, I haven't gained any weight back, so maybe there's something to this.

Maybe my guilty pleasure is simply that I love food, and I love eating again. I'm learning to honor my hunger and my body's needs and wants, and I'm finding that I come full circle once again, and I'm craving more nutritious foods again, though now, it's from a place of "this is what I want to eat" not "this is all I'm allowed to eat." Funny how that makes all the difference.

What's my guiding principle now that I've quit dieting? Intuitive eating. I'm learning to listen to my body's hunger signals, stop when I'm full, and savor what I eat. Make a fist. That's really all the bigger your stomach is! Now, think of how much food you cram onto a dinner plate. Do you really think you're enjoying all that food? Do you walk away from the table feeling like a fattened calf?

I'll step off my soapbox, but will highly recommend this book (you can grab it on Amazon by clicking the link):

10 songs I love right now...

I picked 10 songs off my favorite playlist that I listen to every day while I'm writing or creating. They fuel me, give me some oomph to carry me on into my day, and move me forward. They are:

1. FIGHT SONG - RACHEL PLATTEN
2. FIGHTER - CHRISTINA AGUILERA
3. STRONGER - KELLY CLARKSON
4. LET IT GO - PENTATONIX
5. POCKETFUL OF SUNSHINE - NATASHA BEDINGFIELD
6. TEN THOUSAND HOURS - MACKLEMORE
7. BANG A DRUM - SELENA GOMEZ
8. UNSTOPPABLE - SIA
9. BEST DAY OF MY LIFE - AMERICAN AUTHORS
10. WE'RE TAKING OVER - BEA MILLER

Be Kind to All You Meet

"Today, I will be kind to all living creatures." - The Reiki Creed

I could have all kinds of fun with cliches around this topic. In fact, I won't promise I won't pepper this post liberally with them. But the simple fact is: this world would be a much better place if more people practiced kindness.

What does it mean to be kind?

Kindness is simply a state of love, benevolence, affection or consideration without expectation of anything in return. We often comment about how kind someone is to animals or children, neither of which can really give us "favors" in return for the loving things we do for them.

Kindness comes from a place deep inside where we are secure within ourselves, our own skin. It's very difficult to act kindly toward anyone or anything (least of all ourselves) when our Ego is in full control, or we're coming from a place of fear or neglect.

Why should I be kind?

"But," you ask, "Why the heck should I be kind? Who has the time in our rat-race to stop and do something kind for anyone, let alone ourselves!"

You rather answered your own question, I think. Why should we take the time to be kind, compassionate or loving toward ourselves or anyone else for that matter?

Let's face it. We live in an extremely fast-paced, trample-others-to-get-ahead culture. In the rush to do it all, we kind of miss the whole point of life. We're here to connect; really connect with others. When you're too busy to slow down and connect, you miss the opportunity to be kind, or to receive kindness.

In our rush to get it all done, to get all the "shoulds" done before we finally drop, exhausted and hollow, onto our bed late at night, thoughts still racing through our heads before restless sleep claims us and we're at it again, we miss simple moments in our lives.

Because we were rushed, we took the barista's slowness personally, even though, if we'd taken a few breaths and looked around, we'd notice that her boss is criticizing every move she makes.

Because we were in a rush and thinking about something else, we got offended and angry at the driver who cut us off on the highway. We raised our own blood pressure, strained our heart and brain honking and screaming, and never took a moment to think that it was the off-ramp for the hospital, and perhaps that other driver is racing to be at the bedside of a loved one that might not make it through the night.

Because we were in a rush, we yelled at the kids to hurry up and get out the door, never noticing that our youngest is flushed and feverish, or that our middle child is having one of those clumsy days.

Because we were in a rush, we didn't take the few moments to feed our body a healthy breakfast with whole, natural food, and we just slammed down a super-sized, caffeine and sugar and fat laden latte, and then can't understand why we feel like crap come lunchtime (another super-sized latte anyone?).

What kindness is...

Kindness, at it's core, is unconditional love, expressed freely and without expectation of anything in return.

Kindness is taking a moment to step outside our own experience and extending understanding to another living being.

Kindness is understanding that no one is, or should be, alone in this world.

It is slowing down just enough at the cash register to smile at the clerk. It is stooping to help your middle child pick up the cereal that sloshed out of the bowl in their rush to please you. It is relaxing on the sofa with your dog or cat, and focusing on something other than your to-do list for 10 minutes.

Kindness is acting from your heart, not your ego, simply for the joy of helping someone else.

What kindness is not...

Kindness does not expect anything in return.

It's not selfish.

Kindness doesn't get offended if it is rejected.

Kindness is not the same as being a doormat.

Kindness isn't asking someone to do something dangerous.

Kindness isn't about making yourself look good.

"I'm doing this for your own good!" [shouted angrily]--Is not kindness.

Who deserves your kindness?

Honestly, I think the better question is: Who doesn't deserve your kindness?

Your kids certainly deserve your kindness. You are the model of adulthood, partnership and parenting for them.

Your pets certainly deserve your kindness. You have committed to take care of them and meet their needs. They offer you unconditional love and trust - be worthy of it!

Your coworkers deserve your kindness. You're all working at the same grind, with the same struggles and troublesome bosses. You spend a third of your waking life at that job, so you may as well make it as pleasant as you can.

Those who serve you deserve your kindness. Most of them make little more than minimum wage, and you'd be appalled at how many times they have to deal with extremely irritating, annoying and silly people who'd like to hang all the world's troubles on them, for no better reason than because they can.

You deserve kindness from yourself. You alone know your struggles, and how difficult every day is. You can try to express them to others, but really, that's just a faint reflection of your inner life that no one else really can understand fully.

You deserve kindness-from yourself and others.

That's right. I said it again. You deserve kindness, too. This isn't a one way street. And it starts at home. You have to start being kind to yourself. Stop taking on projects you know you don't have time or energy for. Stop filling your body with non-fuel "food" that just slogs you down and makes you feel like crap. Give yourself the grace of slowing down enough in the evening that your brain can understand "it's time to rest now," so you can sleep.

When you start being kind to yourself, you open up energy to be kind and understanding with others. Not to mention, people ultimately will be kind in return as you start to be more open and relaxed because you're taking care of you.

Sometimes it's easier than others.

Yeah... I know. Sometimes, being kind is a lot easier said than done.

Sometimes, the person that most needs your kindness is the person most difficult to be kind to: That boss that is always yelling at you and everyone else; that jerk that's weaving in and out of traffic like a drunken maniac (you know the one); the woman who's paying for her groceries in 10,000 coupons and it's taking. All. Day. Long. (and you just have a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread to pay for).

Look at these moments as practice. Moments that are teaching you those gentle lessons in reframing your perspective. An opportunity to put a smile on someone's face.

In my experience, I've been both the woman paying in coupons and the person with just the milk and bread. I can tell you that I did not enjoy making everyone else wait for me. In fact, it was extremely embarrassing to hold everyone up. However, it was a time in my life when we had almost no money to pay for groceries, and the options were limited. Having an understanding smile flashed back to my apologetic half-smile made it a little more bearable.

You don't know what battles the other person is facing, any more than they can possibly comprehend the struggles you face today.

Practice it anyway - Practice makes perfect after all.

So, here's your homework for this week. Start your day with the intent to be kind, just for today. If that feels like it's too much, set the intent to find just one person to whom you can show kindness, and see how it feels. Even if it didn't work that time, try it again tomorrow, and the next day. As it becomes easier, up the ante to two people, three people.. until it becomes a regular habit. Look over your life, assess your values and how you're spending your time, and find ways that you can be kinder to yourself.

Before you know it, you'll be a pro, and you'll find your world is just a little nicer to be in because of your efforts.