The Last Time I Cried & What I'm Looking Forward To - Day 28

Whoa... two topics that I either haven't written about, or that I can stand to write about again. How about that? Totally unexpected for this late in the series, but these two are intertwined for me at the moment, so here goes: 

I cried last night. 

Not a little, either. Last night, really hit me hard. I killed someone. Two people, actually, and it broke my heart to do it, even though I knew it was coming. 

Well, now that I have your attention, I suppose I should probably explain myself a little better. These two people? They only exist in my computer. They are, well were, characters in a book I'm writing. One was expected, she was old, and needed to die to make room for the things that push my protagonist to move forward toward her destiny. I expected her to die. I planned for her to die. And yet, it totally caught me off guard how deeply affected I was by her death. The second character that died was nameless, faceless, and she may get revived in the revision of the story. I wasn't happy with how that scene came out in the drafting, so who knows. That's the beauty of being a writer: You can make those changes. Usually. 

I've been trying to honor my commitment to writing for 1 hour a day. Every day.

I'm doing the NaNoWriMo challenge in November, and since I have two solid story ideas, I figured I'd use one to get into the habit of writing, and start finding what does and what does not work for me when it comes to writing. I'm reverse engineering this particular story; rather than developing the characters and setting and all that before drafting, I'm drafting the story, and going back and making notes about my main characters as I go. It's not easy work doing it this way, but I only have about 6 weeks left to get this drafted before my focus fully gets turned to the book I am writing for NaNo. That book is getting done in the "proper" way: I'm developing characters and settings and plots and archetypes before writing. 

Now, there's really no wrong way to write a book, I'm told, other than to not write the book that's in your head. Give yourself permission to write badly, just to get the idea down on paper. You can always go back and edit later. And you won't have anything to edit if you don't write in the first place.

So, this idea of writing badly, led to my tears last night. 

I spent 1 hour writing, probably looking a bit like a mad woman, pounding away at my keys, moving music into playlists as I went (I like to write to music, so I'm building playlists for the writing of both these books), and knocked out about 2,000 words in that 60 minutes. I have my work single spaced, so that comes out roughly to 5 pages of text. I think, just based on how I felt after writing it, that about half of that will get cut in the revision process. But I wrote. I honored my need to write, and did it.

Nothing sucks for a new writer nearly as much as spending an hour writing crap and killing off a loved character all in one night. I had to cry. I needed to purge the crappy feeling. I cried on my writing buddy's shoulder and gave myself permission to let it go. Tonight, I'll write again, and keep my protagonist moving towards her destiny. I'll work on my characters for the NaNo Book, and start shifting my focus just a bit towards their story.

Which brings me to what I'm looking forward to.

I'm looking forward to NaNo. I'm looking forward to write-ins with my buddy at her place in SecondLife. I'm looking forward to holding a finished manuscript in my hands; a story that I pulled out of my head and gave life to on paper.

That said, I'm also a little scared of it. My writing buddy and mentor, Allie McCormack, has encouraged me to submit my NaNo book for a competition that takes place in the months immediately after NaNo, which means getting that book revised, edited and ready for public consumption in just under 5 weeks (throw Christmas holidays in there, too, just for kicks and giggles). 

Her faith in me scares the hell out of me. My husband totally supports this idea. 

But Allie is right: It's motivation. If I commit to it, and pay to enter, then I have a really big reason to see it through. Even if I don't win, my book has been put out there, and that's not something I've ever done.

This whole year has been full of stuff I never thought I could actually do. I never thought I could get my craft business off the ground, and here I am, setting up an online store. 

I never thought I would find a good Reiki teacher that I could afford, and yet, today, I received my Reiki First Degree certification from my Reiki master/teacher, Elle North.

I never, ever thought I would see my dream of owning a bookstore materialize, and yet... Our online shop is open and doing business, with plans coming together for a physical store-front in the next 2 years.

I started this year out with a bunch of dreams that felt like a really far reach. And yet, here I am, standing near the end of the year with so much coming together that it drives me to tears sometimes. 

I don't think we would ever have been given the gift of dreaming, if our dreams were out of reach. So dream big, darling. Dream Big.

Oh, and if you are curious about this NaNoWriMo thing, check it out. If you're brave enough to write 50,000 words in a month, sign up, and grab me as your first writing buddy (JennBradshaw is my user name). If you're curious, but not sure you're ready this year, join me on my Sage Wolfsong Creations Facebook page, and let me know you want to be my cheerleader. I'd love to have you! If you happen to be in SecondLife, look up our NaNoWriMo Obsession group, and join us for write-ins, sharing, feedback and mutual cheering on. 

If you're enjoying this series, please hop over to Facebook and let me know! Or, you know, you could just drop a comment below. If you've missed any posts, you can skip back to the Intro and read from there.

Are you a blogger that's flailing for content and need a little break from your normal topics? Or perhaps you're just getting started, and would like to populate your blog with some great posts that help readers get to know you? Feel free to snag this challenge and run with it. Just... do so ethically, please. Cite your sources, And then, pop over to that Facebook page and let us all know you're doing the challenge so we can follow you, too!

Blog Challenge - Day 19 - Bad Habits and Collections

Rolling into the home stretch, we're talking about my worst habits and what I collect today (isn't it nice to have a day where I'm not repeating myself?).

My worst habits...

I've got a few bad ones, namely carbohydrates and computer games. I would say reading, but we're talking bad habits, not just habits (and I can justify reading until the cows come home, mamma...), so that's not one.

Carbs... are my frienemy. I love 'em, I hate 'em, they're horrible for me, but I can't live without 'em. Not like my Type I diabetic husband can't live without 'em... You know how some people are super grumps before their coffee in the morning? That's me on a long term low carb diet. I'm Super Grump. Mind you, I used to be hung up on coffee and caffeine in general. My family, and anyone that worked with me knew, you just don't talk to Jenn before 8 a.m., when she's had that first cup of go-juice.

I kicked the caffeine habit.

Truly! I weaned myself off caffeine in steps. I might have soda now and then, but I've discovered that the only soda I really like is diet Dr. Pepper, and even that is just kinda meh... So I go with diet Squirt now if I'm going to have soda. I might do iced tea, but again, meh. Black tea gives me migraines, so I avoid that altogether, and most commercial green and white teas are heavily sugared, which leave a nasty taste in my mouth.

Get this: I am so not saying you shouldn't drink soda!

Really, if it floats your boat, drink it! Not to excess (like anything else, too much is seriously bad for you), of course, but feel free to enjoy it if you do in fact enjoy it. I just feel better without it.

Now, carbs are another monkey entirely, and I have tried... oh lord I have tried!.. to kick the carb habit. I've done Atkins, I've done my doc's low carb plan (no flour, oatmeal, rice, potato or corn anything). And I've lost lots of weight and felt pretty good for a while on those plans. However. Just like some people need coffee to be human, I need carbs. At least of the cookie/pie/cake variety. At least once in a while.

I've come to terms with my need for these carbs, and truly, I don't have them nearly as often as I used to. But I do love my carbs. Period. End of conversation. [much to my doctor's disgust, but my needing carbs hasn't killed either of us just yet.]

Computer games, namely of the social media variety are Worst Habit #2:

I like to veg out between projects, as a kind of way to wipe the slate clean and shift gears from one headspace into another (like between blogging and housework or between housework and building in Second Life). Problem is, vegging out for 5 minutes becomes vegging out for 2 hours. I'm just as bad on Facebook as I am with games. If I start scrolling through my feed, I'm gone for too long, and then look at the clock with an "Oh, crap, is that really the time?"

I can walk away from these games, but I always end up coming back to them. Maybe someday I'll kick it, but not today.

Collections... Do I even collect anything anymore?

About 2 1/2 years ago, we moved from a 3 bedroom house into a 700 sq. foot apartment. Big shift, huh? I used to collect all kinds of things, from Bella Sera trading cards to books, horse figurines, crystals (well, I think I got more into the crystals after the move), board games, stuffed animals, books, movies, pens, bookmarks...Did I mention I collect books?

I know that sounds like a lot of collections. I'm a pack rat in some ways, but nowhere near needing publicly televised intervention.

Moving into a smaller space meant cutting my collections way, way down to the absolute bare minimum. The books, I've taken 2 years to really thin through them, and now we sell used books on Amazon as a way to make my first love and hobby pay for itself (and for our daughter's home school materials). Truly, having three bibliophiles in the house can be a bit of a space problem, but we're working it out slowly.

The other collections have been thinned through, too. I've gotten rid of just about anything that didn't hold serious sentimental value for me (it's okay, Mom, I still have the figurines that you and Grandma gave me. I haven't managed to get clear enough to get rid of those). Some of the collections are boxed and will go to my kids at some point, others are carefully displayed around our little living room, like my figurines, shells and crystals.

But this collecting thing... In a tiny living space, I've had to come to terms with less space, and I spend more carefully than I ever have before. Where I might have, once upon a time, said "Oh, I want. Must have. Because, Cool!" I now sit back and say "Do I really love it? Or is it just totally cool and would better serve someone with the space for it?"

Letting go feels so good sometimes!

How about you? What are your worst habits? What do you collect?

Are you enjoying the series? Want to read it from the beginning? Hop over to the Intro, and go from there. You can also snag my sources from there if you're wanting to do this challenge yourself on your own blog (just be ethical and cite your sources!). Then hop over to my Facebook page, and let me know that you're doing the challenge, too, so I can learn all about you, too!

Until next time, lovelies, Live Large! Muah!

31 Day Blog Challenge - Day 6 - My 5 Senses Right Now and 3 Personality Traits I'm Proud Of

Wow! What disparate topics!

Today's topics are "My 5 Senses Right Now"and "Three Personality Traits I'm Proud Of."

So, what am I experiencing right now?
(not my first post about using our senses.. check out an older post here)

• Hearing: I'm listening to "Till I Collapse" by Eminem. Got my ear buds in, and I can vaguely hear my daughter singing to herself as she plays in the next room. Freedom (my dog) just joined me, and wandered back out to the living room, apparently I'm boring today... or at least not cuddle worthy just yet. I told him it's bath day, so I'm not his favorite person.
• Taste: I can still taste my pomegranate green tea that I had this morning. I'm finishing up the green tea I have in the cupboard now, and then switching to herbal tea. Caffeine is okay, but I'm finding that the more I honor my hunger and my body's needs (check out my post on Intuitive Eating and my guilty pleasures here), the less I want caffeine. Mostly, I just crave something hot to drink first thing in the morning, and I can get more variety with herbal teas.
• Sight: Obviously, I'm watching my computer screen, though just beyond that, I can see outside, and have been watching the weather try to decide if it's going to be a warm sunny day or overcast and humid. Welcome to living by the beach!
• Touch: My toes are freezing. but I know that if I toss a blanket over them, they'll be sweating in a few minutes. So they'll be cold. My fingers are a little cold, too, mostly because they're flying over the keys in a flurry of blog posting this morning. Again, they'll warm up when I start doing something else here in a bit.
• Smell: Our apartment smells clean this morning, probably because we just changed the sheets and laundry is hanging to dry in the living room. Yummy. I think there may still be a hint of garlic in the air from last night underneath the laundry detergent, but I can't quite be sure.
• Intuition: Oh, I know I've done the 5 basics, but this is one I'm learning to use more and more, in addition to the other 5. I'm working my way through Elle North's Wisdom Within course, and loving every minute of it. I can't be entirely sure, but I have a hunch (haha) that you'll meet my Intuitive Self somewhere along our journey. She's quite playful and eerily wise and observant, so she's definitely worth knowing.

Three personality traits I'm proud of...

1. Honesty: I believe there is almost always a kind way to share the truth as I see it. My truth may not be the same as your truth, but it's truth all the same. We can agree to disagree. We might agree to go our separate ways. But I don't believe that hard feelings need to be the result, nor that we need to smear each other all over social media. 
2. Professional: Even in my personal dealings, I think there's a right way and a wrong way to do things. My style happens to be as friendly and professional as I can be. Yeah, I have less than stellar moments that disappoint even me, but I can still moderate my own words and actions to put my best foot forward. After all, who deserves my best self more than the people that put up with me when I'm less than my best?
3. Creative: I am a creatrix-I create my own world, literally. I play in a game called Second Life, where my husband and I own a store that we fill with the things we build and create. I own a budding business that I am creating from the ground up. I create my own jewelry that I wear (I'm wearing a new wrap bracelet I finished over the weekend made with blue gold-stone and clear glass), and crochet cotton shopping bags that last for-ever! My biggest challenge right now is creating a space to list all the cool stuff I've been creating for the last few years so that I can share them with the world. 

For My Soul's Sake... Taking a Short Break

Be really, really, really careful what you ask the Universe for. You might just get it!

There is this place... where your soul just breaks, and begs for you to stop and think for a bit...

I'm there now. In this moment. Utterly overwhelmed. So I'm taking a little break from the blog to gather myself, my thoughts, my soul, back into a single track and figure out what the next step ought to be.

Something deep inside me broke open last autumn, about 8 or 9 months ago, I guess. I sank into this depression, chronic health issues flared up and left me pretty much bed-bound, exhausted by doing the most basic of tasks; even eating became an absolute chore. And one day, laying in bed, listening to the hum of life in my home going on without me, I realized that I was soul-sick. What was happening in my body was a mirror of what was happening in my heart and soul. I was exhausted from doing nothing with my soul's purpose.

I didn't even know what my soul's purpose was.

It took me a week to find the courage to ask my husband for some regularly scheduled alone time. I didn't know exactly what I was going to do with those couple hours, twice a month, but I knew I needed to develop something that nourished my heart and soul.

It took me another 6 weeks to figure out what my heart and soul needed, and I came to the realization that I was reaching a bend in the road of my life. I realized that I had a purpose in this life, though at that moment, I wasn't entirely sure what that was. And I made the commitment, out loud, to the Universe, to find and live that commitment.

Remember how we started here? Be careful what you ask for?

I asked the Universe to help me find my purpose. And I got the answer in spades! Over the next few weeks, the signposts that appeared in my life were so obvious, a blind man could have seen them. And only the truly daring would have ignored them. I followed, my energy and excitement building with every step of the way, until I reached a nearly fevered pitch...

But it wasn't exactly healthy...

My mind was going in 100 directions at once.. the ideas were flowing fast and furious, sliding into spaces that weren't meant to be filled, I think. I stopped sleeping... Food didn't interest me again... I was in a constant state of brainstorming and planning, and trying to execute 100 ideas at once.

Be careful what you wish for...

I had carefully crafted this vision of what I wanted my life to look like. What did I truly want? I outlined, wrote, recorded, and set forth my intentions, but without any real timeline for these things to happen. I was somehow under the impression that I could do it all, and do it all at one time! (You'd think that after suffering a severe burnout from stress several years ago, which destroyed my health, I'd learn--but no. I'm a bit hard-headed that way.)

I got what I asked for. All at one time...

I couldn't do it all. I can't do it all. I am still, no matter what I might tell myself, just one person, with only 24 hours in the day. I have some pretty serious priorities and commitments in my life that precede my choices back at the end of 2015, and those haven't wavered one bit. And to be honest.. all these great ideas that came flooding to me.. they just weren't sitting well in my heart. There were parts that just didn't feel like they fit in this great plan of mine.

Hello, Intuition!

Of all the things I've undertaken this year, I've started my Reiki level 1 training, and received my first attunement a few days ago. I'd set the intention to spend a few weeks taking care of myself and being extra compassionate towards myself during this period, but before the "big day" of the appointment with my teacher, I was breaking down. I couldn't focus on anything. At all. Nothing. It wasn't happening.

I couldn't write. I couldn't think. I couldn't even focus enough to read a book (oh, the horror! I can live without food, but I can't live without books!). I'd get so lost in aimless thoughts that I'd forget I had dinner sitting in front of me. I'd shut down completely.

So, dear friends.. please forgive my quietness for a few weeks.

I've come to a place where I need to regather my wayward thoughts, reset some intentions (for this blog, my business, and my life, both material and spiritual) and find my feet again, so that I can once more fly among the proverbial stars that make up the path I am meant to be on.

It is my sincere hope that in taking this break, I can better serve my readers and my clients, and help those that are meant to connect with and through me do just that.

Take Notice! Sense Focus Brings Fun to Exercise.

Spring has sprung.

We're now well into April, and a few weeks into Spring. I know that some places, the winter weather is hanging on for dear life - my heart goes out to those still buried under blizzards and snow. We're still having nasty Winter storms here on the Washington Coast, though they're loosing strength, and I'm making the most of our sunny days.

Even in the places where winter's hanging on for dear life.

But even if you're stuck in a place where Winter simply refuses to let go, little changes are happening. You might have to focus a little harder or look a little more carefully to see the differences from one day to the next.

You might have to look a little harder.

If you look, the snow doesn't last quite as long. The storms aren't as intense. You have more sunny days. Even though we started this morning out with sun, and we've got a lot of rain and wind only a couple hours into my Monday, I dashed out to get my walk in before the storm hit, and noticed how many yards are full of grape hyacinth and bluebells. The barely alive grass is punctuated with tons of brilliant blue, white and indigo. We've got hummingbirds starting to zip around, and the crow population isn't as visible as they turn to nesting.

Use your outdoor workout to see changes.

When you're out on your run or walk for the next several days, see how many different changes you can notice.

Make it a game.

If you walk 6 days a week, you can get most of your senses in, and focus on just one per day. On Tuesday, keep track of how many new flowers you can find. Wednesday, make it all about what smells you notice that weren't there a week or two ago. Out here on the coast, the air smells a little different during the height of the different seasons. Right now, I step out my front door and get a nose-full of a very sweet beachy smell.

Pick one of your senses, and track all the little changes you notice.

For the next week, assign each day of your walk or run workout to a sense. I actually use this exercise with my coaching clients in our 10-Week Tune Up, to get them in touch with their senses. It gets you engaged with your surroundings, and helps you notice more, while your workout goes much faster, because you're not focused on how many more miles, blocks or minutes you have to keep going.

Journal the changes you notice.

When you get home, jot down all the changes you noticed on your trek that day. You've exercised parts of your brain that you don't often work out just by focusing on that sense for the day; you can now strengthen your memory by actively remembering what you noticed on your walk. If you'd like to add just a little extra "pop" to your brain workout, spend a moment in gratitude for each of the changes you've noticed that signal winter is on it's way out and the cycle of life has begun again.

Your workout goes by much faster.

As I mentioned above, your workout goes by faster when you're focused outside your body. Check in periodically with your physical body to ensure that you're not injuring yourself in anyway, and to make sure that you're actually working your muscles and not meandering (though a lot can be said for a casual walk that focuses on your surroundings). But spend the bulk of your outdoor exercise focusing on just one or two senses, and see just how quickly the time goes by.

Further Reading:
Just to get you thinking about this, I'd like to offer up another perspective. Unfolding the Heart's blog this past week looks at how reflections in water prompt the writer to reflect on her surroundings and her own wholeness.