Day 4 is one of those days (yeah, I know I'm behind, we'll get that fixed soon). Today's topics go hand in hand, I guess. What I'm afraid of, and my earliest childhood memory.
What's my earliest memory?
Falling off a horse. Literally. I can remember my mom taking me to her friend's house, and putting me bareback on a mare.. who moved nice and slow, but I can still remember the slow slide to one side of her withers, trying to haul myself up by her mane, and falling off the other side. She didn't do anything wrong... I was just too short to really hang on with my legs. No harm done to me or the horse, but I still experience a sensation of being about to fall whenever I ride (which admittedly is very rarely).
Attached to that memory is feeding the horses, and Mom putting me in the horse trough to keep me out from under sharp, heavy hooves, and the horses crowding around me to check out this new treat.. That part wasn't scary, really.. funny, weird, awkward; wonder if that's why I still get antsy when I'm in a stall with a horse?
What am I afraid of?
Pardon me while I take a moment to laugh. Why do I laugh? Because I'm someone with a severe anxiety disorder. I'll spare you the details, but in a nutshell, a lot of things scare me, including being judged, being around people, loud noises, the unfamiliar and loosing my family.
When I say these things scare me, I'm not talking about that nebulous, vague kind of fear that we all have of general things. I'm talking about the paralyzing, sweating, heart-palpitating, freezing me in my tracks kind of fear.
I got to a point where grocery shopping was anxiety-inducing. What my rational mind knew to be true was utterly irrelevant to my emotional, ego-mind. There might be a thousand dollars in our bank account, but I was terrified that the debit card wouldn't work for insufficient funds. I was terrified of not having food in the house, so I'd go hungry for days, afraid to eat what food we had for fear of running out. Every stranger posed a potential threat to me and my family.
Yes, I've gotten help for this. And the dog I wrote about back in my other blog? He and my husband worked well together to get me to a point where I can kind of function normally again. Freedom no longer goes out with me, but he does help me "detox" after a day trip into town for supplies we can't order on Amazon. Riding a crowded bus full of strangers is still a painfully overwhelming energetic experience that takes days to recover from.
Yes, I'm kind of screwed up and very much in the "weird" category.
But those who are part of my life love me anyway, just as I am, and they help me deal with issues one step at a time.
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